(Kohima Region)
The summer in Denia in the province of Alicante, Spain, was
always calm and a lovely place to be in. It was here that the Jesuit Novitiate
was located. From its building Flavius, a novice, laid his eyes at the
beautiful stretch of the Balearic seas. Looking at the highs and lows of the
tide, he was mentally associating them to the vowed life he was going to commit
to. “Flavius, Father Master wants you,” said Paulo. Engrossed in deep thought,
Flavius gave no reply. Paulo stood there unanswered. “What happened?” Paulo
demanded. Venturing out of his thought Flavius replied, “I am not worthy
enough, Paulo, for the vows. How unpredictable and unstable I am. I seek more
human love and company than that of God’s. I ….” “That’s enough,” interrupted
Paulo, “by putting yourself in such doubts you are putting me out of my surety
too. It is neither our worth that causes our call nor our call that will cause
our worthiness. It is our journey with Jesus that matters.” Hearing these words
Flavius looked consoled and went to Fr. Master’s room.
“I am sending Paulo and you to
Evissa for a month mission experiment. You’d be leaving tomorrow by ship,” said
Fr. Johannes, their Novice Master.
Flavius took this as a sign to silence his doubts and to journey with
the Lord.
The two boarded the ship early
morning. It was a small ship carrying a few passengers. It was towards
afternoon, the sea looked calm and so was Flavius. Flavius and Paulo were
standing at the bow and began their conversation:
“Paulo, I am not sure if I am going ahead.”
“Why? You’re scared?”
“Kind of. I don’t know if I can be committed to the vows.”
“I can understand. I’ve been through times like yours.
Sometimes I think that I could become a better father than a priest. But
whether I choose to become a priest or a married man, there is a price
included. I have to choose the one that carries more value.”
“I feel the same but still…. I know I am weak. I believe
together with the commitment to the vows I will also receive the strength to
live it.”
“Vows are not like a rope that ties you leaving you helpless,
but one that helps you save people drowning in sin, that helps you climb the
heights of holiness and pull others too with you. God won’t force you. He gives
you full freedom to choose.”
“I don’t
know Paulo. I feel words won’t do justice in expressing what I feel. Don’t you
think that there is slavery in freedom and freedom even in slavery? ”
The two stood there conversing until night came upon them and
the water was no longer calm but troubled by the wind. Suddenly they felt the
heavy tossing that their ship suffered. They saw the mountainous waves rolling
over their poor ship and shatter the masts. The lifeboat they had was too small
to hold all the passengers. The only way to save themselves was to jump into
the water, get hold of a broken plank and swim to safety. Unfortunately, there
was no dry land nearby. Many lost their lives while trying to keep afloat.
The next morning Flavius’ body was
lying motionless on a shore of the Mallorca Island. Some inhabitants found him
still alive. They surmised he was one of the survivors of the heavy storm of
the previous night. They took him with them. He stayed in one of the houses of
a very benevolent man. There he was nursed and cared for. The family found
Flavius very amiable and slowly their acquaintances turned to family bonding.
In that house, there was a girl of Flavius’ age named Nayisa. She was
beautiful, the belle of the island and the enchantress of Flavius’ heart. Days
and months passed. The two were so companionable that everyone expected their
marriage. Here Flavius was in a dilemma.
No one knew who he was, so he could marry Nayisa and forget about his past. On
the other hand, his conscience would not let him forget who he was. This
thought always affected his tryst. He could no longer live with the secret.
Under the light of the moon and by
the fire, Nayisa and Flavius sat down. Flavius looked deep into the fire and
began,
“Nayisa, I
have a secret. It was buried before but not anymore now.”
There he poured out his life. He described to her how he had
desired to become a priest, how he doubted his desire and how the fateful
voyage brought him to the island where he found her and her love. Now he wanted
to return.
With tears accompanying his words he confessed, “I know it
will pain you and so will it be for me. Let the pain I give make you forget me
and hate me. There your pain will cease and so too your love for me. ”
“Sh,” she
hushed him while placing his head on her breast and kissed his forehead. “Speak
no longer my love, speak no longer. I know it all. I had read it all.”
“Read it
all?” he exclaimed in surprise. He then remembered that he had lost his
journal. “Where is it?” he inquired.
“When walking along the shore one evening, I
found a bag containing some books. One of the books was titled ‘Me and My God’
with your name inscribed on it. I read it all.
There I saw your heart and all that it contained. Truly, I have loved
you more from what I have read than from what I behold now and before. I knew who you were and what you wanted to
become, but still I could not withhold my love for you. The only favour I could
render you was my denial of getting intimate with you. I had preserved myself
for preservation of you. Now that you have decided to return, leaving you shall
be my token of love for you.” Speaking thus, she left him there alone leaving
her words behind with all the love and the pain they could convey.
***
Flavius was at the port ready to
board the ship that would sail back to his country. This was his last
rendezvous with Nayisa.
“So you have
to forget me now, Flavius?”
“My
remembrance of you will not be a hindrance to me.”
“But will
they accept you back?”
“I will tell
the truth and leave them to decide.”
“Will we
meet again?”
“If God
permits.”
“Let me
embrace you this one last time and then you may go in peace,” saying thus,
Nayisa flung herself into his arms.
The horn
announced the time for the ship to depart. The two departed with a painful
pleasure. Nayisa’s eyes were still on the departed ship till darkness forced
her to return home. Meanwhile Flavius, looking at the endless stretch of the
sea said to himself, “I thank you, Lord, for everything that had happened. I
may not know what a vowed life would be like, but now I know what love is and
what commitment it demands.”
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